4 months, 9 days clean

Fresh out of rehab and almost immediately, I planned my relapse.  Tomorrow I was going to go use and I don't know why.  I tried talking to my sponsor and that failed.  I haven't relapsed yet, and at the moment I don't think I am, but the plans are still in motion and I've yet to cancel them. 

5 minutes ago I was convinced that I was going to call to cancel.  Now, I'm not so sure.  I'm sick of this back and forth.  I'm sick of talking about this.  I'm going to sleep on this and tomorrow I'll figure this out.  Right now, I'm going to sleep, I'm not even going to smoke before I go to bed.  I just want blissful oblivion. 

Until tomorrow.

58 Days . . .

58 days and doing good.  I'm so sick of talking about myself, but until the next relapse, I'm doing good.

33 Days Clean: Home work

5 Times I Quit and Why

1. I had 50 days clean and I was pissed at the world. But this isn't about why I used, this is about why I quit. I quit because I felt guilty. I thought I could lie my way through it. Live the NA life, follow the steps and still use once in a while. I couldn't. The program had gotten so far into my head that I couldn't be the person I was before. A big reason I quit again is because I was I supposed to. I'm always doing things I have to do until eventually I want to do them. Like getting out of bed today to go to the meeting because I had to do it, and I'm always glad I do what I'm supposed to.

2. I had been up for 5 days and Manny was being a bitch. (I was hearing voices.) He never shuts up after 5 days up, but I wandered into a church, ultimately not the right church for me, but God was calling me. I sat in the back row crying through the hymns and the sermon and finally they called people to the front to receive Christ and I found myself going up. So everyone prayed over me and I cried my eyes out in a room full of strangers and Manny shut up! God gave me a marical and showed me proof of his existence. I felt so humbled. I went home and threw away my pipe. This time I quit because God told me I could.

3. I'd been using for months and months. Up for a 3-4 days and down for a couple of days to recover. Finally, I came home strung out as hell and got into a fight with my step dad. The cops ended up taking me away to Albany only to let me out less than an hour later. So I go back to the neighborhood tired and burned out and all i wanted to do was get high so I could forget it all for a while. There I found a few people shooting up and I say "Why not?" I shoot up and it's an instant high, but it wasn't fun. It was Manny instantly screaming in my ear and the worst part is I coudln't tell what was real and what was Manny. That time I quit because I was scared. So scared. I knew I couldn't live my life like that anymore.

4. These next 2 don't have stories behind them and honestly I can't remember 2 more specific times I quit. But I quit because I have to. I quit because that's what the world tells me to do. I quit because I can't take anymore. Why do I have to quit? Because I've lived the life for too long. I quit because that's what feels right. I quit because if I don't then eventually life will get worse and worse and I don't want life to get any worse. It's time for life to get better.

5. Sometimes I quit because I can't stand Manny screaming in my ear about my deepest insecurites. He's a real bitch and he takes the voices of my closest friends and family and the people I respect the most. Even quitting doesn't kill him, but Meth is his fuel. It's what he lives for. He lives to make me feel like shit. He kills the happiest of times and even when I'm sober and find some quiet time, he sneaks his way into my head and starts whispering that I'm not good enough. I used to think that Manny was just External Manifestation of Internal Strife, but he's my addict and my addict has a voice. I know quitting will never kill him, but if it weakens him to the point where he only comes out when I'm weak, then quitting is worth every miserable moment.

27 days

I have to get myself pumped to be social.  I'm going to the coast today and I'm scared.  It's going to be a lot of people and I've forgotten how to socialize! 

I am a great person.  I'm fun to be around.  People like me.  I'm not shy.  I'm not a repulsive human being.  They wouldn't have invited me if they didn't want me there.  Maybe they just felt sorry for me.  That's kind of how I used to think all the time.  That people hung out with me because they felt sorry for me or they wanted something from me.  These people don't want anything from me, so they must feel sorry for me.

25 Days . . . Conflict

Relapse, like death, is inevitable.  Why postpone the inevitable?  Friday, I once again have to face the choice between getting high and doing something with my sober friends.  I'm so conflicted.  I want to get high.  I don't want to disappoint my using friends.  I want to get high.  I don't want to waste my food stamps on drugs.  I'd rather waste them on Starbucks and energy drinks.  I want to get high.  I don't want to get high.  When I say I want to get high, what do I really mean?  I mean I want to feel comfortable in my own skin for a few hours and I'm willing to face the consequences.  Rather, I'm willing to ignore the consequences until I have to face them.  I'm about to get my 30 days chip again.  Yay.  Why bother with sobriety?  If I've relapsed time and time again, what in the hell makes me think that this time will be different.  I don't want to do this anymore.  I just want to get high.  I want to forget about life for a while.  I want to go to my friends house and sit in front of the computer all night, the only words passing between us being "Let's hit the pipe."  I want to get high.  I don't want to get high.  I don't care anymore.  I hate the indecision.  I don't want to disappoint my friends.  I will always disappoint someone.  As for myself, I could give a fuck.  I don't care if I'm getting high or being sober.  I just want to stop living.  I'm too afraid to die, though I'm no longer praying to God for the courage to end it all.  I'm just too fucking lazy to put in the effort.  I just want to do the easy thing.  I'd rather hang out with my using friends where it's easy.  I don't know how to be social sober. 

There's been no logic to this post.  It's just me fighting with myself.  I'm still fighting with myself.  I really want to go to Albany and get high, it's easier.  After the disappointing camping experience camping, I don't really want to spend all day with a bunch of strangers.  Yeah it'll be nice to be at the coast and watch the sunset, but I won't be happy.  At least with drugs, I'll be happy for a like 12 hours.  I just want an escape from reality.  Reality fucking sucks.  Fuck it.  I'm already making plans for Friday to go watch the fireworks in Waldport, but I could cancel them all in an instant to get high.  We shall see.

21 days

I'm making it, though I have a hang nail on my left pinkie so hitting the shift key hurts, so does my tooth, but life's good.  I'm going camping this weekend and gonna get burnt to a crisp with all my NA people so yeah I'm happy.

Yesterday I had a long talk with an old friend and I literally cried.  She's not afraid to be tough with me.  She said the shame from my relapse showed in my face.  I'm better now.  Not all better but a little better.

Last night I was offered the choice between getting high and going to the NA camp out and I chose the camp out without even thinking.  I was even kind of offended that someone would want to get high with me.  But who am I kidding.  If it weren't for the camp out, I'd be high right now.  Still kinda wish I could go to the camp out AND get high, but that's the addict in me poking it's ugly little head.  I think I shall name my addict and his name shall be Dickie!  Now I have Manny and Dickie fighting for control of this distorted mind of mine, but I will WIN!


On a personal not to my Kiwi Princess (hope that name doesn't offended, btwz) I looked up the weather in Dunedin and you live in a temperate paradise!  I grew up on the Oregon Coast  and I hate the hot weather where I am.  It's only 9:00 AM right now and it's already almost 80 degrees . . . Celsius (jk!) you do the conversion.  But it's fucking hot and it's going to be over 100 where I'm camping.  Thank God for swimming.  Thanks Jamie for being my #1 fan!

9 days

So I knew I'd never be able to keep up the lie.  I went to an NA meeting and confessed my relapse, though my family still doesn't know about it.  You'd thing that when I stop bragging about my sobriety they'd realize that I'd relapsed.  There's a lot of signs that I think they should pick up on, but they don't.  Anyways, I'm trapped in self pity and I was told to make a gratitude list so here I am. 

1. The air in my lungs
2. The food in my belly
3. My limited sobriety
4. Nicotine
5. The family pet
6. Sleep
7. My 90's pop station on Pandora
8. Caffeine
9. My Blog
10.  The only fan of my blog and Kiwi Princess, Jamie.

51 days clean . . .

So I relapsed, no surprise there.  But I'm going to pretend I didn't.  I like NA, I love the people and the self improvement, but I also kinda like getting high once in a while.  So I'm not going to tell anyone about what I did last night.  I'm going to keep my clean date and I'm not going to tell my sponsor or anyone at NA.  It'll be like last night never happened.  I'm going to try to forget it and there will be no consequences.  I don't know why I'm being honest here.  I suppose because no one except my Kiwi Princess reads this blog so there's no shame in being honest here.  I know I may have an attack of conscience and confess to people late, but as of right now my plan is to pretend it never happened.  And I won't feel guilty about it either.  I will be a member of NA who occasionally uses when no one's around.  No big deal.

31 Days . . .

So here I am.  31 days clean.  Wow.  What's more wow is that I'm feeling SO low right now.  I've lost my ability to write because it's all been said before.  I'm in pretty intensive therapy right now.  They're shining new light on a lot of old issues and it's leaving me feeling emotionally drained.  I'm scared.  What I'm really scared of is having to spend the day alone.  I've been hanging out with this guy since I've been at the Corvallis shelter and today he has stuff to do without me.  That means I'm stuck doing things alone.  I don't want to.  I'm my own person.  I can live my life without anyone else.  I'm a strong person.

Gratitude List:

1. The roof over my head.
2. My bed.
3. Food.
4. Coffee.
5. My sobriety.
6. My friends.
7. My family.
8. Good books.
9. My sponsor.


That's all I can think of right now.  Time to go to yet another meeting that I'm just not feeling.  I kind of just want to veg out in the park and let the world pass me by for a while.

20 days

God I just want to cry and I don't know why.  I was all happy and stuff to be sober and now blah.  I know my friends are getting high without me today and I'm sitting here in the library all alone waiting for my next NA meeting.  I just want to get high.  I'm not going to.  It's been established that I'm not going to get high, I'm just so lonely.  I want to go home, but there is no home for me anymore.  My family doesn't want to see me anymore and I just can't accept that pain.  I want to run away from it so bad.  God, I'm lonely.  I'm not going to use today though. 

2 weeks

Am I really ready to start counting the days of my sobriety again?  I always fail, but something about this time feels different.  I'm going to meetings every day, sometimes twice a day.  I have a sponsor that's been there and done that and that I trust completely.  Every day is a new adventure even though my life is hopelessly routine.  I'm loving life and looking forward to whatever comes next.  Thanks everyone for listening.

Trust

I've always valued trust, but not in the way that most people do.  My focus was gaining other people's trust.  I knew where my dealer lived and I had permission to stop by whenever I wanted.  It elevated my self worth when people trusted me.  I always rook for granted the few people that I could trust with my secrets.  In fact, recently I stopped keeping secrets.  Still I trusted my mother with all of my secrets and never really questioned her position in my life as the most perfect person I would ever know.  She could make no mistake and I ignored her glaring flaws.  Yesterday she called me for the first time ever.  I thought she was genuinely interested in my job interview.  All she wanted to know as the big family secret.  So I told her.  No big deal, I trusted her.  Then she took their side.  How could she?  Why must even the tallest of pedestals crumble?

What makes this time any different?

I've been meditating on this question for a while now.  The answer is nothing.  Nothing makes this try any different from every other try, but I can't quit trying.  No matter what I do, I can't quit trying.  This time WILL be different.  I know what I did wrong all of the other times and this time will be different.

Another try . . . maybe

I think it's time to take another shot at sobriety, but not right now.  Right now I'm trying to hold onto my high for as long as possible knowing that this just might be my last.  I'm chugging coffee, I'm not eating.  As soon as I eat, I know the  high is over.  If I'm this torn up about giving it up, then maybe I should have given it up a long time ago.  I don't want to, but I know I need to.  I feel like such a horrible person right now.  I'm considering moving back to Albany and trying to get into an Oxford house again, it didn't work last time, but maybe it will work this time.  That's the question I keep on coming back to.  What makes this time any different from all the other times I tried and failed?  I honestly don't have an answer to that question.  I don't have a burning desire to stay sober, I just  think that I won't get anywhere if I stay on this path.  When and where does that burning desire come in?  Last time I tried to get sober I was tired of the voices.  Now I'm more or less have them under control even when I'm high.  Sigh.  I don't know, but I will think about all of this tomorrow.  Right now I'll try to cling to the last bit of high I have left.  I won't eat until I sleep I won't sleep till I can't take it anymore.  Is this really what I want out of life?