Relapse!

So I need to confess and there's nobody to talk to, nobody that I can tell the truth to and not get in trouble with.  I hate being high, but I love getting high.  I hate being high but I love being high.  I never remember that when the opportunity arises.  I just remember how amazing it is to get high, not the hell it is to be high.  I'm paranoid, I'm exhausted, and I'm hearing voices.  I know as soon as I attempt to lay down to sleep I'm going to hear them louder than ever.  I tried to take the meds to make them go away, but apparently they aren't as needed.  So here's the plan: I'm going to the dishes, watch Survivor with the grandparents and then smoke a cigarette and go to bed.  By go to bed, I mean hook up my sleep machine and lay there listening the air coming in and out my lungs till I get sick of it and get up and smoke again.  I can't stay on one page.  I don't want to read anything or watch anything and apparently I don't want to play games either, I want to be around people, I don't know what I want, I'm so discontent.  Omegle! That's what I want.  To Omegle!

Three weeks or so . . .

Okay, so it's been a long time since I've posted.  Next week would have been my 6 months sober had I not relapsed.  I was just another 90 day wonder.  So here I sit in an Oxford house, sober because if I'm not sober then I will literally end up on the street.  I'm lonely.  I want drugs.  I want to go get drunk or high.  I want to cry.  This moment is so hard for me.  I'm praying to God that he will send me an angel, someone to care and to listen to me.  God, I'm so lonely.  Please God, send me someone to care about me.  I don't know what I want or need, but I know God will provide.  Why do I still have so much faith in God?

90 Days!

I made it.  Tonight I get my green chip and yay for me.  I feel bad because sobriety is all I want to talk about today.  My father has been on my mind a lot lately.  As God would have it, I never knew my father, I never knew exactly how he died either, everyone that I'd feel comfortable asking about it is dead.  All I know is that he was an alcoholic.  I've heard different things about the severity of his alcoholism and/or recovery.  Everything from him dying of cirrhosis to him being in complete recovery.  I see my roommate and his son going to AA together and I wonder, why didn't I get that?  Was God so cruel that he left me with the disease and the one person who might have understood it died before he could ever share his story with me?  Why didn't he survive just a little longer?  I know he wouldn't have taken me away from everything like I always imagined him doing, but maybe we could have some sort of relationship.  Alas, that was never meant to be.  So I'm forced to walk this long hard road out of hell without my father there to support me.  Someone that would love me and understand what I'm going through.  Who knows, if he had survived, then maybe I wouldn't have gone through this.  Yet who am I to question God's will?  I don't know where I'm going with this, all I know is that all I can do is pray for God's will to become clear to me.  Thy Will Be DONE!

Day 47

Day 47 and life just keeps getting better. Today my roommate relapsed and tried his hardest to get me to relapse with him, even though I was the one telling him not to get down on himself too hard, relapse is a part of recovery, tomorrow is a new day 1, etc. Then I made the mistake of telling him that if I'd been in a similar sitution with my drug of choice I don't know if I'd have been able to say no either. So what does he do? He promptly tries to find my drug of choice and tempt me. Thank GOD that I had to work today. If he would have succeeded in finding it, and offered it to me, I don't know what I would have done. I was scared. I didn't want to face it. I'm too new in my sobriety and I've already gained so much that I don't want to loose it for anything. Thank God I got out of there. I would have done anything to get the hell out of there. I was even thinking about walking across town to my sister's and telling whoever was home that I needed to get away at any cost. I know they would have let me in and if they wouldn't have I would have wandered around town for a few hours until I got my nerves back. On another note, things are going amazing in sobriety. My siter invited me to be in her wedding, my old friend is coming back to me, everyone actually likes me. It's amazing, it's astonishing. I don't have the words for it except to say that I'm so incredibly grateful for everyday sober and all the amazing ways it's changed me. Yesterday I realized for the first time that I was happy being single. That's not quite how I put it, I said that for the first time I'd rather die alone than spend the rest of my life with the wrong person. Same thing really, right? On Monday I'm hanging out with someone that I've never hung out with sober and I'm kinda nervous. Will she drive me to use? Will we have nothing in common anymore? Will she like the person that I've become? Will I like her now that I'm sober? So many questions, and I'm afraid to learn the answers. I learned a long time ago not to ask questions if I'm afraid of the answers. So here's to another amazing day sober and surviving the biggest challenge to my sobriety yet. Thank you everyone for your support!

Day 39

Just checking in real quick. Today is not a bad day. Yesterday I kinda mourned fro the fact that I'll never again spend a few hours alone on a beach or in a park slowly drinking myself stupid. It was sad, like knowing that you'll never again see a relative that's passed on. Last night I compared it to ending a relationship, but no, it's like loosing a loved one. It's not good. I'm going to miss it more than I can say, but this is something I have to do. I will do it. In brighter news, I got a sponsor yesterday and we meet on Monday so I can finally tackle that damnedable 4th step. I'll post it here of course, because I want this saved so I can look back on it. Thanks for all your support everyone. Of course there's noone here yet, but I know there will be eventually. Even if there isn't, all the support I really need, I already have.

Day 36

Hi, I'm Jason and I'm an addict. (Hi Jason)  Today I have 36 days clean.  I've been to three meetings in the past 4 days and I've needed them.  Everyday is a struggle in the beginning. I know that's how it's supposed to be.  Last night I asked for a sponsor because I'm staring down that 4th step and I don't know where to start.  I'm scared.  There's a lot in my past that I don't want to bring to the surface.  A lot.

So I'm starting this blog a little late, but it's taken me that long to come up with an original title.  Today is day 36 of sobriety.  This time it's real sobriety.  No drinking, gambling, drugs, anything.  Eventually I'm thinking of giving up caffeine and nicotine too. 

I'm going to use this blog to share the things I'm afraid to share in meetings and to document my journey through the 12 steps and beyond.

If you're interested in how I got here, see my old blog at oblivionschild.BlogSpot.com .