21 days

I'm making it, though I have a hang nail on my left pinkie so hitting the shift key hurts, so does my tooth, but life's good.  I'm going camping this weekend and gonna get burnt to a crisp with all my NA people so yeah I'm happy.

Yesterday I had a long talk with an old friend and I literally cried.  She's not afraid to be tough with me.  She said the shame from my relapse showed in my face.  I'm better now.  Not all better but a little better.

Last night I was offered the choice between getting high and going to the NA camp out and I chose the camp out without even thinking.  I was even kind of offended that someone would want to get high with me.  But who am I kidding.  If it weren't for the camp out, I'd be high right now.  Still kinda wish I could go to the camp out AND get high, but that's the addict in me poking it's ugly little head.  I think I shall name my addict and his name shall be Dickie!  Now I have Manny and Dickie fighting for control of this distorted mind of mine, but I will WIN!


On a personal not to my Kiwi Princess (hope that name doesn't offended, btwz) I looked up the weather in Dunedin and you live in a temperate paradise!  I grew up on the Oregon Coast  and I hate the hot weather where I am.  It's only 9:00 AM right now and it's already almost 80 degrees . . . Celsius (jk!) you do the conversion.  But it's fucking hot and it's going to be over 100 where I'm camping.  Thank God for swimming.  Thanks Jamie for being my #1 fan!

9 days

So I knew I'd never be able to keep up the lie.  I went to an NA meeting and confessed my relapse, though my family still doesn't know about it.  You'd thing that when I stop bragging about my sobriety they'd realize that I'd relapsed.  There's a lot of signs that I think they should pick up on, but they don't.  Anyways, I'm trapped in self pity and I was told to make a gratitude list so here I am. 

1. The air in my lungs
2. The food in my belly
3. My limited sobriety
4. Nicotine
5. The family pet
6. Sleep
7. My 90's pop station on Pandora
8. Caffeine
9. My Blog
10.  The only fan of my blog and Kiwi Princess, Jamie.

51 days clean . . .

So I relapsed, no surprise there.  But I'm going to pretend I didn't.  I like NA, I love the people and the self improvement, but I also kinda like getting high once in a while.  So I'm not going to tell anyone about what I did last night.  I'm going to keep my clean date and I'm not going to tell my sponsor or anyone at NA.  It'll be like last night never happened.  I'm going to try to forget it and there will be no consequences.  I don't know why I'm being honest here.  I suppose because no one except my Kiwi Princess reads this blog so there's no shame in being honest here.  I know I may have an attack of conscience and confess to people late, but as of right now my plan is to pretend it never happened.  And I won't feel guilty about it either.  I will be a member of NA who occasionally uses when no one's around.  No big deal.