Relapse, like death, is inevitable. Why postpone the inevitable? Friday, I once again have to face the choice between getting high and doing something with my sober friends. I'm so conflicted. I want to get high. I don't want to disappoint my using friends. I want to get high. I don't want to waste my food stamps on drugs. I'd rather waste them on Starbucks and energy drinks. I want to get high. I don't want to get high. When I say I want to get high, what do I really mean? I mean I want to feel comfortable in my own skin for a few hours and I'm willing to face the consequences. Rather, I'm willing to ignore the consequences until I have to face them. I'm about to get my 30 days chip again. Yay. Why bother with sobriety? If I've relapsed time and time again, what in the hell makes me think that this time will be different. I don't want to do this anymore. I just want to get high. I want to forget about life for a while. I want to go to my friends house and sit in front of the computer all night, the only words passing between us being "Let's hit the pipe." I want to get high. I don't want to get high. I don't care anymore. I hate the indecision. I don't want to disappoint my friends. I will always disappoint someone. As for myself, I could give a fuck. I don't care if I'm getting high or being sober. I just want to stop living. I'm too afraid to die, though I'm no longer praying to God for the courage to end it all. I'm just too fucking lazy to put in the effort. I just want to do the easy thing. I'd rather hang out with my using friends where it's easy. I don't know how to be social sober.
There's been no logic to this post. It's just me fighting with myself. I'm still fighting with myself. I really want to go to Albany and get high, it's easier. After the disappointing camping experience camping, I don't really want to spend all day with a bunch of strangers. Yeah it'll be nice to be at the coast and watch the sunset, but I won't be happy. At least with drugs, I'll be happy for a like 12 hours. I just want an escape from reality. Reality fucking sucks. Fuck it. I'm already making plans for Friday to go watch the fireworks in Waldport, but I could cancel them all in an instant to get high. We shall see.
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