5 Times I Quit and Why
1. I had 50 days clean and I was pissed at the world. But this isn't about why I used, this is about why I quit. I quit because I felt guilty. I thought I could lie my way through it. Live the NA life, follow the steps and still use once in a while. I couldn't. The program had gotten so far into my head that I couldn't be the person I was before. A big reason I quit again is because I was I supposed to. I'm always doing things I have to do until eventually I want to do them. Like getting out of bed today to go to the meeting because I had to do it, and I'm always glad I do what I'm supposed to.
2. I had been up for 5 days and Manny was being a bitch. (I was hearing voices.) He never shuts up after 5 days up, but I wandered into a church, ultimately not the right church for me, but God was calling me. I sat in the back row crying through the hymns and the sermon and finally they called people to the front to receive Christ and I found myself going up. So everyone prayed over me and I cried my eyes out in a room full of strangers and Manny shut up! God gave me a marical and showed me proof of his existence. I felt so humbled. I went home and threw away my pipe. This time I quit because God told me I could.
3. I'd been using for months and months. Up for a 3-4 days and down for a couple of days to recover. Finally, I came home strung out as hell and got into a fight with my step dad. The cops ended up taking me away to Albany only to let me out less than an hour later. So I go back to the neighborhood tired and burned out and all i wanted to do was get high so I could forget it all for a while. There I found a few people shooting up and I say "Why not?" I shoot up and it's an instant high, but it wasn't fun. It was Manny instantly screaming in my ear and the worst part is I coudln't tell what was real and what was Manny. That time I quit because I was scared. So scared. I knew I couldn't live my life like that anymore.
4. These next 2 don't have stories behind them and honestly I can't remember 2 more specific times I quit. But I quit because I have to. I quit because that's what the world tells me to do. I quit because I can't take anymore. Why do I have to quit? Because I've lived the life for too long. I quit because that's what feels right. I quit because if I don't then eventually life will get worse and worse and I don't want life to get any worse. It's time for life to get better.
5. Sometimes I quit because I can't stand Manny screaming in my ear about my deepest insecurites. He's a real bitch and he takes the voices of my closest friends and family and the people I respect the most. Even quitting doesn't kill him, but Meth is his fuel. It's what he lives for. He lives to make me feel like shit. He kills the happiest of times and even when I'm sober and find some quiet time, he sneaks his way into my head and starts whispering that I'm not good enough. I used to think that Manny was just External Manifestation of Internal Strife, but he's my addict and my addict has a voice. I know quitting will never kill him, but if it weakens him to the point where he only comes out when I'm weak, then quitting is worth every miserable moment.
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