Another try . . . maybe

I think it's time to take another shot at sobriety, but not right now.  Right now I'm trying to hold onto my high for as long as possible knowing that this just might be my last.  I'm chugging coffee, I'm not eating.  As soon as I eat, I know the  high is over.  If I'm this torn up about giving it up, then maybe I should have given it up a long time ago.  I don't want to, but I know I need to.  I feel like such a horrible person right now.  I'm considering moving back to Albany and trying to get into an Oxford house again, it didn't work last time, but maybe it will work this time.  That's the question I keep on coming back to.  What makes this time any different from all the other times I tried and failed?  I honestly don't have an answer to that question.  I don't have a burning desire to stay sober, I just  think that I won't get anywhere if I stay on this path.  When and where does that burning desire come in?  Last time I tried to get sober I was tired of the voices.  Now I'm more or less have them under control even when I'm high.  Sigh.  I don't know, but I will think about all of this tomorrow.  Right now I'll try to cling to the last bit of high I have left.  I won't eat until I sleep I won't sleep till I can't take it anymore.  Is this really what I want out of life?