Jamie

I have a new blog, but I want to keep it private from my family, you're welcome to read it though.  E-mail at jwfeller@gmail.com and I'll send you a link to my super secret new blog.

4 months, 9 days clean

Fresh out of rehab and almost immediately, I planned my relapse.  Tomorrow I was going to go use and I don't know why.  I tried talking to my sponsor and that failed.  I haven't relapsed yet, and at the moment I don't think I am, but the plans are still in motion and I've yet to cancel them. 

5 minutes ago I was convinced that I was going to call to cancel.  Now, I'm not so sure.  I'm sick of this back and forth.  I'm sick of talking about this.  I'm going to sleep on this and tomorrow I'll figure this out.  Right now, I'm going to sleep, I'm not even going to smoke before I go to bed.  I just want blissful oblivion. 

Until tomorrow.

58 Days . . .

58 days and doing good.  I'm so sick of talking about myself, but until the next relapse, I'm doing good.

33 Days Clean: Home work

5 Times I Quit and Why

1. I had 50 days clean and I was pissed at the world. But this isn't about why I used, this is about why I quit. I quit because I felt guilty. I thought I could lie my way through it. Live the NA life, follow the steps and still use once in a while. I couldn't. The program had gotten so far into my head that I couldn't be the person I was before. A big reason I quit again is because I was I supposed to. I'm always doing things I have to do until eventually I want to do them. Like getting out of bed today to go to the meeting because I had to do it, and I'm always glad I do what I'm supposed to.

2. I had been up for 5 days and Manny was being a bitch. (I was hearing voices.) He never shuts up after 5 days up, but I wandered into a church, ultimately not the right church for me, but God was calling me. I sat in the back row crying through the hymns and the sermon and finally they called people to the front to receive Christ and I found myself going up. So everyone prayed over me and I cried my eyes out in a room full of strangers and Manny shut up! God gave me a marical and showed me proof of his existence. I felt so humbled. I went home and threw away my pipe. This time I quit because God told me I could.

3. I'd been using for months and months. Up for a 3-4 days and down for a couple of days to recover. Finally, I came home strung out as hell and got into a fight with my step dad. The cops ended up taking me away to Albany only to let me out less than an hour later. So I go back to the neighborhood tired and burned out and all i wanted to do was get high so I could forget it all for a while. There I found a few people shooting up and I say "Why not?" I shoot up and it's an instant high, but it wasn't fun. It was Manny instantly screaming in my ear and the worst part is I coudln't tell what was real and what was Manny. That time I quit because I was scared. So scared. I knew I couldn't live my life like that anymore.

4. These next 2 don't have stories behind them and honestly I can't remember 2 more specific times I quit. But I quit because I have to. I quit because that's what the world tells me to do. I quit because I can't take anymore. Why do I have to quit? Because I've lived the life for too long. I quit because that's what feels right. I quit because if I don't then eventually life will get worse and worse and I don't want life to get any worse. It's time for life to get better.

5. Sometimes I quit because I can't stand Manny screaming in my ear about my deepest insecurites. He's a real bitch and he takes the voices of my closest friends and family and the people I respect the most. Even quitting doesn't kill him, but Meth is his fuel. It's what he lives for. He lives to make me feel like shit. He kills the happiest of times and even when I'm sober and find some quiet time, he sneaks his way into my head and starts whispering that I'm not good enough. I used to think that Manny was just External Manifestation of Internal Strife, but he's my addict and my addict has a voice. I know quitting will never kill him, but if it weakens him to the point where he only comes out when I'm weak, then quitting is worth every miserable moment.

27 days

I have to get myself pumped to be social.  I'm going to the coast today and I'm scared.  It's going to be a lot of people and I've forgotten how to socialize! 

I am a great person.  I'm fun to be around.  People like me.  I'm not shy.  I'm not a repulsive human being.  They wouldn't have invited me if they didn't want me there.  Maybe they just felt sorry for me.  That's kind of how I used to think all the time.  That people hung out with me because they felt sorry for me or they wanted something from me.  These people don't want anything from me, so they must feel sorry for me.

25 Days . . . Conflict

Relapse, like death, is inevitable.  Why postpone the inevitable?  Friday, I once again have to face the choice between getting high and doing something with my sober friends.  I'm so conflicted.  I want to get high.  I don't want to disappoint my using friends.  I want to get high.  I don't want to waste my food stamps on drugs.  I'd rather waste them on Starbucks and energy drinks.  I want to get high.  I don't want to get high.  When I say I want to get high, what do I really mean?  I mean I want to feel comfortable in my own skin for a few hours and I'm willing to face the consequences.  Rather, I'm willing to ignore the consequences until I have to face them.  I'm about to get my 30 days chip again.  Yay.  Why bother with sobriety?  If I've relapsed time and time again, what in the hell makes me think that this time will be different.  I don't want to do this anymore.  I just want to get high.  I want to forget about life for a while.  I want to go to my friends house and sit in front of the computer all night, the only words passing between us being "Let's hit the pipe."  I want to get high.  I don't want to get high.  I don't care anymore.  I hate the indecision.  I don't want to disappoint my friends.  I will always disappoint someone.  As for myself, I could give a fuck.  I don't care if I'm getting high or being sober.  I just want to stop living.  I'm too afraid to die, though I'm no longer praying to God for the courage to end it all.  I'm just too fucking lazy to put in the effort.  I just want to do the easy thing.  I'd rather hang out with my using friends where it's easy.  I don't know how to be social sober. 

There's been no logic to this post.  It's just me fighting with myself.  I'm still fighting with myself.  I really want to go to Albany and get high, it's easier.  After the disappointing camping experience camping, I don't really want to spend all day with a bunch of strangers.  Yeah it'll be nice to be at the coast and watch the sunset, but I won't be happy.  At least with drugs, I'll be happy for a like 12 hours.  I just want an escape from reality.  Reality fucking sucks.  Fuck it.  I'm already making plans for Friday to go watch the fireworks in Waldport, but I could cancel them all in an instant to get high.  We shall see.

21 days

I'm making it, though I have a hang nail on my left pinkie so hitting the shift key hurts, so does my tooth, but life's good.  I'm going camping this weekend and gonna get burnt to a crisp with all my NA people so yeah I'm happy.

Yesterday I had a long talk with an old friend and I literally cried.  She's not afraid to be tough with me.  She said the shame from my relapse showed in my face.  I'm better now.  Not all better but a little better.

Last night I was offered the choice between getting high and going to the NA camp out and I chose the camp out without even thinking.  I was even kind of offended that someone would want to get high with me.  But who am I kidding.  If it weren't for the camp out, I'd be high right now.  Still kinda wish I could go to the camp out AND get high, but that's the addict in me poking it's ugly little head.  I think I shall name my addict and his name shall be Dickie!  Now I have Manny and Dickie fighting for control of this distorted mind of mine, but I will WIN!


On a personal not to my Kiwi Princess (hope that name doesn't offended, btwz) I looked up the weather in Dunedin and you live in a temperate paradise!  I grew up on the Oregon Coast  and I hate the hot weather where I am.  It's only 9:00 AM right now and it's already almost 80 degrees . . . Celsius (jk!) you do the conversion.  But it's fucking hot and it's going to be over 100 where I'm camping.  Thank God for swimming.  Thanks Jamie for being my #1 fan!